


i built you a house (but you never came home)

by nutmeg101



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-24
Updated: 2014-02-26
Packaged: 2018-01-13 14:28:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1229872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nutmeg101/pseuds/nutmeg101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Now all that I am, and all I believed<br/>came tumbling down, ripped apart at the seams.<br/>You spoke of your love but there never was hope,<br/>when you speak your lies now I hope that you choke.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“I don’t think my heart is in this anymore.”

It’s quick and simple and Ali is in complete shock. She sits quietly next to Ashlyn on the couch as the words slowly begin to register and the sudden ringing in her ears dissipates.

“W-what? What does that even mean?”

Ashlyn turns so that she’s facing Ali, but doesn’t make eye contact. She’s far more relaxed than the situation calls for.

“I just- with everything that’s going on, I can’t do this.”

A long silence follows and Ali’s pulse hammers so hard in every part of the body that she’s sure Ashlyn can hear it. She closes her eyes tightly and reopens them hoping that this is just a dream.

It’s not, though.

Ashlyn’s phone buzzes in her pocket but nobody moves.

“I still don’t understand,” Ali finally speaks, “where is this even coming from?”

“There’s just so much going on. With you staying in DC to play soccer and me going to Houston; and I’m still trying to figure out my school stuff too. It’s all too much. I don’t know how to balance you with work, school, friends, and even my family. And even just the distance now is too much,” Ashlyn says hurriedly.

It’s as if she’s speaking a dead language because the words are completely lost on Ali, like a tourist trying to navigate a foreign country.

The two of them finally make eye contact and through the tears that she didn’t know she was holding back, Ali can see that Ashlyn’s eyes are bone dry and there’s not a single display of emotion on her face; she almost looks bored.

Again, Ashlyn’s phone vibrates, except this time it’s against her better judgment that she checks it. It’s something humorous and it takes all of her will power to not laugh or smile. It doesn’t go unnoticed by Ali.

It’s a minute detail but it speaks painful volumes. To Ali, it’s like Ashlyn doesn’t even care.

“Too much?” Ali furrows her eyebrow in a combination of confusion and slight anger. Finally the words are coming to her. “Too _much?_ You said everything was okay when we had this conversation not even two weeks ago. You said I had nothing to worry about; you said we would work through the distance and we would be just fine. Now you want to tell me ‘ _your heart isn’t in this’_?”

She’s clenching her fists so tightly that her fingertips start to lose feeling. 

Ashlyn opens her mouth to say something but Ali interjects. “And how _dare_ you complain about the distance when _I’m_ the one who’s been driving four hours to see you every other weekend. You’ve been in my apartment _once._ ”

There’s another long silence because Ali is right and Ashlyn has nothing to protest back with.

“This isn’t easy for me, Ali. It’s not like I made this decision over night.”

Ali shakes her head and looks away. “Whatever.”

“No. Not whatever.”

“You literally just told me that you loved me and how happy you were that I was here. You kept telling me everything was fine. You treated me like a god damn princess all weekend and now all of a sudden you want out?”

Ashlyn buries her head into her hands and rubs her temples.

“I know. I know. I was just so scared and didn’t know what to do. I thought that things _were_ okay, or at least going to _be_ okay. It wasn’t a rash decision, but all the pieces just sort of finally came together last night.”

This time, Ali isn’t so strong on holding back the tears and a few slip out. 

“Is there someone else?" She says bluntly. "Don’t you dare lie to me. Is it your ex?”

“No, oh god no, Ali, there’s no one else and it’s definitely not Kelley.”

“So you made me drive four hours just so you could break up with me.” It’s more a statement rather than a question.

“Ali, it’s not like that. And I do love you, but I just don’t think I’m _in_ -“

“Don’t even finish that sentence.” It’s barely a whisper but it’s heard loud and clear.

“Where are you going?” Ashlyn asks when Ali gets up and walks towards the bedroom.

She turns around like it’s the most ridiculous question she’s ever heard. 

“ _Home,_ Ashlyn.”

\--

The drive from Chapel Hill to DC feels like forever. Ali worries that she may not be emotionally stable enough to drive for four hours but there’s nowhere else she’d rather be right now than at home so she battles through the tears and heartache.

She overanalyzes their conversation until all the words start to lose meaning and it sounds like a hundred people screaming in her head; she has to pull over to recollect herself.

_I don’t think my heart is in this anymore._

The sentence haunts her for the rest of the journey home and it only brings up more confusion and more anger. The more she thinks about it, the sadder she gets. She tries to think about other things; happier things, but somehow her mind wanders back to Ashlyn.

\--

_“This is my favourite place to be,” Ashlyn mumbles into rise and fall of Ali’s chest. Her arm is draped low across her waist, and their legs woven together. The steady beat of Ali’s heart lulls Ashlyn into a peaceful trance._

_Ali lightly drags her fingertips down Ashlyn’s bare spine and then back up. She kisses her atop the head, quietly taking in the scent of her shampoo. It’s something tropical, coconut, she thinks._

_“In my room?”_

_“No silly, just with you. Like this.”_

_“Oh.” Ali smiles and kisses her again. She loves how relaxed she feels. “Me too.”_

_Ashlyn shifts letting her head fall onto the pillow next to Ali’s, to which she rolls over until their noses are touching. Never in a million years did she think she’d end up like this with Ashlyn. Sure, they were close friends in high school, but the fact that they go different colleges in different states surely should have been more than enough to keep them apart._

_A strand of hair falls over Ali’s eyes and Ashlyn tenderly tucks it behind her ear._

_“You know,” Ashlyn whispers somewhat nervously, as if she’s not sure she should say this or not, “one day this distance will have to end.”_

_The grin on Ali’s face beams brighter than any light because more than anything, that is what she wants. She wants to be able to have Ashlyn whenever she wants and not have to wait weeks at a time and spend unnecessary time and money getting to her._

_She wants to be simple with her._

_“One day,” Ali repeats with confidence._

_She tries to say something else, but is instantly silenced when Ashlyn’s lips find hers._

\-- 

Six hours hours later, no thanks to a couple unwarranted pit stops, Ali is finally home. It’s late, she’s tired, and she’s hungry, but instead of taking care of her own needs, she calls Ashlyn instead. She’s had a lot of time to think in the car and she doesn’t have the closure she’s looking for.

She grabs up her phone and nervously dials Ashlyn’s number.

_Ring._

_Ring._

_Ring._

_Ring._

_Ring._  

“Ali?” Ashlyn’s voice is quiet but shaky, like she’s just been crying. 

“Hey. Don’t talk. Let me say what I need to say then you can speak, okay?”

“Okay.”

Ali clears her throat. She makes a split second decision to be calm and rational about this, rather than angrily spewing out words she may later regret.

“I refuse to believe that what we have, or had is completely over. I know that things maybe got a little scary because we moved so quickly, but I love you. Not just _love_ you, but am _in_ love with you, and you know that. You’re right that there is a lot going on so maybe in all that chaos you just sort of lost track of what was important. But I am, or was your girlfriend, your partner, and I’m there to help you through anything and everything.”

“Al…”

“No, I’m not done.” Her voice wavers and she takes a moment to catch her breath. “You need to know how betrayed and led on I feel too. You promised me so much, you made so many bold statements and now you’re just backing out. The only reason I chose to stay in DC for soccer was because you said you were going to play in Virginia. Now you’re going the complete opposite direction and you barely consulted me on it. We spent so long trying to get to where we were and you’re throwing that all away. Did you really love me, Ash? Did you? Because you would have tried harder to make this work if you did. You wouldn’t have lied. You would have talked to me about this instead of just springing this on me after you kept saying we would be okay.”

Ashlyn sighs heavy heartedly into the phone. “Are you done?”

“Yes. I think. For now.”

Ali can hear Ashlyn padding around her apartment. The quiet mumble of the TV in the background is now off and she’s certain Ashlyn can hear her pulse again, even through the phone.

“Maybe you’re right, Ali. Maybe I did lose track of what was important, but to be completely honest, I don’t even know what I want right now. You deserve someone that can give you back just as much as you give them. I would be so selfish to drag you along when I can’t give you a hundred percent. At the same time, it’s not fair to me either to stay in a relationship when I know my feelings for you aren’t as strong as what they used to be.”

The words are like knives into Ali’s chest and she almost wants to hang up and maybe even throw up. She knows she won’t get the answers she’s looking for if she does either so she painfully listens on.

“It was so wrong of me to hide this from you, but you need to believe me when I say it was not easy at all. I know you don’t want to hear this, but I do love you Ali, so, so much, but I’m just not _in_ love with you. You’re like my best friend and I will care for you for as long as I live, okay?”

Ali bites down into her hand as hard as she can to stop from crying. Her eyes burn with unshed tears and her throat throbs with sharpness trying to silence her sobs. She lets the unpleasantness drip from her nose to stifle her sniffles.

“Al?” 

“Yeah.” And that’s all it takes before she’s sobbing all too loudly and her shirt is soaked in tears. She doesn’t want to seem weak but there isn’t much more she can handle today. 

On the other end of the phone, it obliterates Ashlyn’s heart to know that she’s hurt her best friend in the worst way possible. Ali is justified in feeling the way that she is so Ashlyn doesn’t try and push her or try to make her see otherwise. She lets her cry for a minute to let it out while she, herself, tries to choke back her own tears. 

“You promised,” Ali cries in between sobs, “you promised the distance would end.”

“I know, Ali. I meant it completely when I said but,” Ashlyn pauses, “things change.”

There’s silence as they both catch their breath and wipe away their tears.

“I know it’s hard for you to trust me right now,” Ashlyn continues, “but you need to know that I never meant to hurt you and I never wanted this to happen. If I could change the way I felt, I would, but I can't.”

She waits for Ali to say something, but she doesn’t, so she keeps going.

“I hurt you and I know that, and I am so sorry. I know this is a lot to take in in one day so I want to give you some space until you can be okay with this, okay? If you hate me until then or forever, it’s okay too.”

There isn’t much else Ali cares to say, at least for now. She sniffles and wipes her nose with the sleeve of her hoodie. 

“’kay,” she mumbles. It’s not the response Ashlyn is looking for; she's hoping for at least a full sentence, but she’s in no position to be upset.

“Do you want to go?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Goodnight, Ali.”

“And I don’t hate you, Ashlyn, I never could.”

There’s a pause while Ashlyn tries to figure out her next words, but then the line goes dead.

\--

That night, Ali cries and cries until she’s so exhausted that there is no other option but to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...she’s dangerously close to kissing someone that isn’t her girlfriend."

There’s a brief moment right after Ali wakes up, just before she comes into full consciousness, where she feels nothing; a numb bliss. She is simply a body lying in a bed. All too quickly, that feeling fades away and she starts to recall the events of yesterday.

Instantly, it feels as if there is a literal vice grip around her chest; like mental quicksand, the more she thinks about it, the tighter it gets. She counts to ten slowly in her head and grip starts to loosen.

She rolls over and grabs her phone and it’s the first time in nearly six months there is no good morning message from Ashlyn. She quickly wipes away the single tear that rolls down her cheek.

_This has to be a dream,_ she keeps telling herself.

It’s Monday and she has a full day of classes but she can’t bring herself to go; she can barely make it into the shower. Once inside though, with the hot water burning down her back, she begins to re-overanalyze every single word that Ashlyn said the previous night.

Maybe they do need the space apart; maybe it’s the absence that will make Ashlyn realize she was wrong. Ashlyn did say she didn’t know what she wanted, but she also said she didn’t have enough to give.

For the next 20 minutes or so, Ali has a silent argument with her thoughts. It’s toxic and she knows it’s crazy and useless, but there’s a part of her that isn’t going to give up so quickly.

\--

_“Babe, come out here!” Ashlyn hollers. Her voice is lost in the sound of the tide washing against the pebble shore but it doesn’t go completely unheard._

_Ali unzips the canvas flap and sticks her head out of the tent. It’s dark, but she spots Ashlyn a few yards down the beach feverishly trying to start a bon fire. She laughs and grabs a blanket and bottle of wine to join her._

_Many failed attempts later, a small fire burns brightly; it’s the perfect size for two as they sit on the beach and look at the stars while drinking wine right out of the bottle. It’s the first time the two of them have gone away alone since being a couple almost two months ago._

_Ali had wanted to go somewhere fun and exciting, like New York City or Chicago, but Ashlyn talked her into camping on the beach instead. Still fun and exciting, but in a different way._

_“Aren’t you glad we’re out here instead of loud and smelly New York?” Ashlyn jokes as she puts an arm around Ali’s waist and pulls her closer. The breeze picks up the scent of Ali’s hair and it gives Ashlyn a momentary high; she leans in and kisses Ali on the cheek._

_“Actually, I am,” Ali smiles. She looks around her at the empty beach; the two of them hardly get to spend any alone time when they’re together so this is just what they needed. “Wine?” she asks pulling the cork out of the bottle._

_Ashlyn happily obliges and takes a long sip. It’s Rosé, her favourite because she just “really likes the colour.” She hands it back to Ali who does the same. Some minutes later, the bottle is half empty, they’re both buzzing with a carefree lightness, and finding it increasingly more difficult to keep their hands and lips to themselves._

_It’s not until a lone soul and his dog pass by that Ashlyn removes her hands from under the fabric of Ali’s t-shirt and Ali pulls her face away from Ashlyn’s neck._

_“So, tell me a story,” Ashlyn says as she lays back onto the blanket. She motions for Ali to join her and she does, curling up into Ashlyn’s side._

_“A story? What kind of story?”_

_“Anything you want.”_

_The embers of the fire burn a bright red as the wood snaps and crackles. The sky is littered with stars that it glistens vibrantly off the lake in front of them. It brings about a very serene ambiance._

_“Hmm,” Ali hums, “do you see that group of stars over there?” She points out into the distance. “It’s not the brightest group, but it’s right next to that one really big one. Do you see it?”_

_Ashlyn squints. “I think so.”_

_“Well it’s called_ Coma Berenices. _It means Berenice’s Hair; she was once the queen of Egypt.”_

_“I didn’t know you knew about astrology.”_

_“Close. You mean astronomy. I used to be a bit of space nerd back in the day. Don’t you remember when I went to space camp in high school?”_

_“Oh that’s right,” Ashlyn laughs pulling Ali a little bit closer. “You big dork.”_

_Ali tries to protest but Ashlyn’s right, she is a big dork._

_“Anyways, Berenice was married to King Ptolemy and while he was away at war, she made a deal with Aphrodite – “_

_“The goddess of love?”_

_“Yup. She made a deal with Aphrodite that she would offer her hair for the safe return of her husband. He did make it back safely but when he found out what she had done to her hair, he was mad. He had said her hair was her crowning glory and that even the people of the nation loved it."_

_"Hmm," Ashlyn contemplates. She’s in a trance. She loves to hear Ali talk and her_ _intelligence has always been one of the reasons she fell so hard for her. There’s a story or a lesson for everything; she’s like an endless pit of both useful and useless information._

_"So to make a really long and boring story short, Aphrodite was so pleased by this offering that she decided to put her hair in the sky so that everyone could see it. The King said okay and that's what that constellation of stars is. It's Berenice's hair.”_

_Ashlyn remains silent while staring into the sky. The only constellation she can recognize is the Big Dipper._

_“Yeah, well, that’s a giant spoon,” she says defiantly with a hint of sarcasm._

_She’s not wrong and Ali laughs. “Hey, you said I could tell any story I wanted, so I did. I would sacrifice my hair for you, you know?”_

_“Hah!” snorts Ashlyn. “No you wouldn’t. You brush your hair eight hundred times a day to make sure it’s perfect.”_

_“Do not!” Ali scoffs in mock defence. “And I totally would. If someone came up to me right now and was like ‘give me your hair or I’m kidnapping your girlfriend,’ I’d shave it right off.”_

_Ashlyn cocks an eyebrow._

_“You really don’t think I’d give up my hair for you?”_

_“I wouldn’t let you. It’s too beautiful.”_

_They lay in silence and continue to gaze at the stars. Before them, the only motion in the lake are the ripples from the tiny fish that bob their head at the surface. Slowly, the wind picks up and the fire promptly dies._

_“Come on,” Ashlyn says getting up, holding her hand out for Ali, “let’s go back to the tent.”_

_\--_

_It’s dark inside; the shimmer of the moon just barely creeping through the canvas. Ali flops onto the air mattress while Ashlyn digs around in her bag. There’s a flashlight in there somewhere, but instead she pulls out a pack of glow sticks._

_“I didn’t know you brought those,” Ali yawns._

_“I come prepared,” boasts Ashlyn as she opens the package, “and don’t you dare get tired on me yet,” she winks._

_Ali knows exactly what she means and all of a sudden she’s not so sleepy._

_Ashlyn hands Ali a couple of glow sticks. “Here, break these.”_

_“All of them? What are you going to do with them?”_

_“You’ll see."_

_Moments later, Ashlyn has neatly tied all eight glow sticks together and hangs them from the peak of the tent._

_“Ta-da!” she exclaims, “glow stick chandelier. Romantic, huh?”_

_“Oh!” Ali squeals and claps her hands like a giddy child. “You’re such a boy scout.”_

_“I’m your boy scout.”_

_“That you are. Now come here,” she says pulling Ashlyn on top of her by front her shirt and kissing her fully. “I’m about to show you some real romance.”_

_\--_

_The dull radiance of the mutlicoloured lights dangle above them as they lay there skin-on-skin, out of the breath. Outside, there are no crickets chirping or frogs croaking. Instead, the low rumble of a camper further down the beach blowing up their air mattress resonates quietly in the background._

_It’s a unique experience, but it’s a special place only they will know._

_“Al,” Ashlyn whispers timidly while staring at the canvas ceiling. There’s a change in the atmosphere; it’s heavier and more serious. There’s a deep and rhythmic thud in her chest. “I – um – I – “_

_“What is it?”_

_“Nothing, it’s nothing.”_

_“No, tell me,” Ali says, eyes closed._

_Ashlyn swallows. She remembers something that her grandmother told her years ago, which was that the greatest things happen to those who are courageous. It’s a piece of wisdom she’s kept close to her ever since. If there was ever a chance to be courageous, now was the perfect time._

_“I love you,” she rushes, feeling all the blood momentarily drain from her face._

_Ali eyes shoot open and rolls onto her side, still weak from a few minutes ago. Her stomach flutters and she places a hand on Ashlyn’s cheek, eager for her to look at her. She does, and her eyes glimmer even through the darkness, like she’s about to cry. Silently, she pleads for Ali to say something._

_“I love you, too.”_

_\--_

The day goes by slowly. Every time Ali’s phone makes a sound she’s hopeful that it’s Ashlyn, but when it’s not, she falls deeper into her blanket of sadness. It has only been one full day since Ashlyn broke up with her, but already she feels herself gradually falling apart.

Ashlyn has only been to her apartment once, but Ali still sees her everywhere. She sees her sitting on the couch with her feet on the coffee table despite her constant nagging to keep them off; she’s sees her silhouette outlined by the big window that faces the Washington Monument; and most painfully, she sees her in her bed. If she tries hard enough, she can remember exactly how the sheets looked the morning after their first night together.

She has to quickly wave the thought away.

\--

Another day and a half passes and there has not been a word from Ashlyn. Ali knows that she’s giving her space, but a small part of her thought Ashlyn would cave first and call.

She forces herself to go to all of her classes so that her brain can have a break from all the poisonous thoughts that are Ashlyn. Not that Ashlyn was ever a poison, but when she thinks about the happier times, it feels like it’s acid raining on the garden that are her memories.

By the third day, Ali can no longer handle the silence. She has to talk to Ashlyn; she has to figure out where Ashlyn’s head is at so that she can figure out her next move.

Ashlyn is at soccer practice but Ali calls anyways. She doesn’t even wait until she gets home and calls her from her car at school.

She picks up on the first ring but doesn’t say anything immediately. Ali knows she’s there though because she can hear the distinct sound of soccer balls being kicked in the background.

“Ash?”

“Hey.”

“Is this a bad time?” Ali pulls down the sun visor and looks into the mirror. The bags under her eyes remind her of how little sleep she’s gotten in the past few days.

“No, practice just ended and we’re just kicking the ball around. Hold on – _hey guys, I’m gonna go_ – uh, how are you?”

“I’ve been better.”

There’s a bunch of rustling in the background and then the slam of a locker. Ali can hear Ashlyn digging around for her car keys.

“Can we talk?” asks Ali.

“Yeah, of course.” 

“I want to know where your head is.”

“What do you mean?”

Ali rests her forehead into the steering wheel. She hates that this conversation is happening and her gut is telling her that she’s not going to like the way it ends.

“Is this over? Like, really, really, over?”

There’s no response from Ashlyn right away. She gets into her car and sticks the key in the ignition but doesn’t turn it on. Once settled, she lets out a giant breath she didn’t realize she was holding.

“I think so.”

“You think?”

“Baby, I – “ Ashlyn immediately cringes as the word leaves her mouth, but it’s become a habit; a habit that Ali loves, but has now turned bittersweet. “I already told you that I just don’t have enough to give right now. I can’t be in a relationship.”

Ali can’t help but wonder when and where things went wrong. Was it something she did? Or maybe it was something she didn’t do. She hates the thought that everything she’s done to keep this relationship going is all of a sudden going to be for nothing.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Ali, you did nothing wrong. In fact, you were amazing. This very has little to do with you, more so than it does with me.”

Ali laughs out of frustration and sleep deprivation. The whole _, it’s not you, it’s me spiel_. Ashlyn is right though; she has done nothing wrong. She was there for Ashlyn even when she shouldn’t have been. She foolishly picked her off her feet when she should have just left her lying on the ground.

Ali has tried so hard to forget about that part of their relationship, but it’s always been a lingering thought. Now that she’s brought it up in her mind again, she suddenly feels sick and doesn’t want to talk anymore.

“I need to go,” she blurts out.

“What? I thought you wanted to talk.”

“I do, but I can’t right now. I’m sorry. Can I call you later?”

But Ali doesn’t wait for Ashlyn to respond and quickly hangs up. She immediately starts her car and drives home before she has time to cry.

\--

_“If this is too hard for you, I would understand if you didn’t want to talk to me ever again.”_

_Ali shakes her head. She’s standing so close to Ashlyn that she can see the soft smattering of freckles that dances across her nose and parts of her cheeks. She could kiss her if she wanted to._

_Well, she does want to, but won’t._

_“Why are you still here anyways?” Ashlyn asks as she lightly and absentmindedly wraps her index finger around Ali’s pinky. “I mean, why do you still want to be a part of my life when I’m treating you like shit. You deserve a lot better than this.”_

_“I don’t know. I just think you’re a really great person even if you don’t think so yourself. There’s just something about you that I’m really drawn to.”_

_Ashlyn takes a step back because she’s dangerously close to kissing someone that isn’t her girlfriend._

_“You’re unhappy, Ashlyn, I could see it in your eyes when you were with her today. I can even hear it in your voice over the phone. I know that you love her, but…” Ali trails off._

_“But what?”_

_“Nothing, Ash. I just think you might be a little happier if you left behind what was making you so sad.”_

_Ashlyn steps closer again and plays with the drawstring on Ali’s hoodie._

_“So that I can be with you?”_

_“No,” Ali takes a step back. “That’s not what I said.”_

_“But that’s what you meant.”_

_A heavy silence falls over them. Neither of them thought they’d actually reach this point, but when the annual soccer conference was announced that it was going to be in Virginia this year, neither of them could pass up the opportunity to go._

_It was “strictly just for the soccer” they said, and Ali “couldn’t wait to meet Kelley.”_

_They’ve each told other each other and themselves a handful of lies in order to justify their behaviour._

_“Is that what you want, Ali? You want me to leave Kelley so I can be with you?”_

_“Ashlyn, stop.” Ali doesn’t deny it, but that is never something she could ask of her. She peaks around the corner of the empty convention hall to make sure they’re still alone._

_“I’m sorry,” Ashlyn whispers. “This is my fault too. I shouldn’t have let things get as serious as they did. I should have walked away from you instead of dragging you into this. And it’s not like I’m completely unhappy, but it’s just hard to stay away from you when you’re giving me all the things that Kelley isn’t.”_

_“Do you feel like you’re cheating on her?”_

_“Emotionally? Yes.”_

_Ali looks down, disappointment written all over her face. She already knew the answer to that but it hurts more than she thought it would to actually hear it. She never wanted to be the other woman but there is something about Ashlyn that keeps pulling her in. Now she’s in so deep that she can’t get out._

_“Do you want to stop this?” She doesn’t want to ask but feels obligated to. “All the late night talking and stuff?”_

_Ashlyn tilts Ali’s head up._

_“Do you?”_

_“I asked you first.”_

_“No.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “But this is so unfair to the both of us, that we have this connection but we can’t…be together; or at least give this a shot. It’s also not fair that I dump all my Kelley issues on you.”_

_Ali shrugs and sighs loudly._

_“It’s not fair to Kelley either, but it is what it is, I guess. I care about you a lot so I like to be there for you. She’s not my favourite thing to talk about but, I don’t know…”_

_Now it’s Ashlyn’s turn to sigh._

_“So what do we do?”_

_“I wish I had an answer.”_

_Instinctively, Ashlyn reaches up and touches Ali’s face and it’s the first time she’s ever done that. Ali closes her eyes and nestles into her hand._

_“Promise me you’ll tell me if this gets to be too painful for you, okay?” Ashlyn runs her thumb across Ali’s cheek._

_“Only if you promise that if you do become truly unhappy, you’ll get out of the relationship. Not for me though, for yourself.”_

_“I promise.” Ashlyn whispers. “And um, don’t wait for me, okay?”_

_It hurts to hear Ashlyn say that, but Ali nods._

_This time they’re so close that both of them have their eyes closed. Ashlyn’s hand is still on Ali’s face and without thinking their lips touch. It’s barely a second long but it feels like an eternity. As quickly as it happens, Ali pulls away and runs out of the convention hall and doesn’t look back, while Ashlyn punches herself mentally for everything that’s happened._

_\--_

Ali doesn’t call Ashlyn back that night. Instead, she opens a bottle of whiskey and drinks until she’s numb both physically and emotionally.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I want all of you, but you only want some of me."

Adjusting is the hardest.

Having to go about her daily routine without Ashlyn is more difficult than Ali ever thought it would be. Although, this is not something anticipated, it just sort of happened.

It’s the simple things like not having someone to text or call whenever she wants. Of course she has her other friends, but it’s just not the same. Ali drives in silence too, because too many songs bring back too many memories. Sometimes though, the silence is too loud so she ends up listening to the news or classical music. 

Tchaikovsky is her favourite because it reminds her of Christmas time.

It’s been two long, agonizing days since Ali abruptly hung up on Ashlyn in her car. She’s tried numerous times to call her back but there’s something that keeps stopping her. She’s afraid because when she says goodbye now, she doesn’t know if there will be another hello.

Mostly though, she’s numb. She hasn’t felt much since she drank herself to sleep the other night and is almost grateful that she feels the way she does.

She’s sad, but she doesn’t hurt quite as much. Her days are vacant; avoiding people and only smiling when she needs to, to be polite.

\-- 

 **Ashlyn [2:26:17pm]  
** i want us to still be friends but i don’t know how to do that.

\--

Ali stares blankly at her phone and tunes out anything her professor is saying in front of her. She didn’t anticipate on Ashlyn being the first to reach out.

 _Friends._ The word makes her sick. She starts to tap out a reply but then deletes it; she has no idea how to respond. The rest of her class is spent half paying attention and half trying to figure how she is going to deal with this chaotic situation and make herself feel better. Of course she still wants to be a part of Ashlyn’s life, but now they both want completely different things. A friendship may not be so salvageable.

She drives the long way home today and stops by the park so she can take a walk to clear her mind. She finds an empty bench across the pond and takes a seat. It’s cooler now and the leaves are beginning to change and it’s a relief because summer felt like Ashlyn.

 **Ali [5:07:22pm]  
** do you think that’s possible?

 **Ashlyn [5:09:03pm]  
** i really hope so. call me?

 **Ali [5:09:57pm]  
** later. i’m not at home right now. 

\-- 

_“Houston? What? I thought you decided on Virginia.”_

_Ali leans back dejectedly in her seat while playing with the foam in her beer. She licks it off her finger and then wipes it on her pants._

_“Well, I did, but it wasn’t set in stone or anything. Houston just has more to offer than Virginia does.” Ashlyn takes a couple bites from her burger as she waits for a response from Ali. She can tell that she’s upset._

_“Oh. Like what?”_

_“There’s just more opportunity for me to grow as a goalkeeper there than anywhere else. And if I don’t take it now, I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance again.”_

_The bar is loud and not the most ideal location to be having such an important conversation, but Ashlyn didn’t want to wait any longer to tell Ali._

_“I know,” Ali says understandingly, “but Houston is just so far and I hardly see you as it is. When did you decide on this? Why didn’t you talk to me?”_

_Ashlyn reaches across the table for Ali’s hand. In hindsight, she feels terrible for not talking to her about this, but it was sudden and she didn’t want her decision to be influenced by anything or anyone else._

_“Like, last week. I just wanted to wait until you were actually here so I could tell you. And I know this wasn’t in our plan, but I mean, Houston isn’t that far. I know we can figure something out.”_

_Ali retracts her hand._

_“Ash, I can’t just hop in a car and drive to Houston to see you whenever I want. That requires plane tickets, which requires money. Something that both of us have very little of.”_

_“Yeah, money,” mumbles Ashlyn, “but Houston is also offering me more money.”_

_“Are we going to be able to survive the distance?” Ali asks, point blank._

_A server walks by to collect their empty glasses and plates and it gives them both enough time to let everything sink in._

_“Listen,” Ashlyn says reaching for Ali’s hand again; she searches Ali’s eyes for a better indication of what she’s really thinking, “you trust me, right?”_

_“Of course,” Ali nods._

_“Then trust me when I say we will be just fine. I love you and you’re the only person that I want to be with. The distance will be hard but we will find a way to make this work.”_

_“Okay,” Ali says pulling Ashlyn’s hand up to her lips, kissing her knuckles, “I trust you.”_

_\--_

Inside her bedroom, Ali paces back and forth. She wants to call Ashlyn, but she doesn’t. The situation needs to be sorted out, but she doesn’t think she’s strong enough to make it through the conversation without crying.

Procrastination is one of Ali’s strengths so she wastes some time by cleaning her room. As she walks by her closet, the hoodie that Ashlyn gave her catches her eye. It’s the grey and yellow Nike one that Ali loved so much that she wore it all the time. Eventually, Ashlyn gave up the fight and gave it to her, though it’s not like she minded.

Ali pulls it off the hanger and hugs it. It doesn’t smell like Ashlyn anymore. She can't bare to look at it so she hangs it at the very back of the closet. It’s still too soon to get rid of anything.

There isn’t much clutter on her dresser, but out in plain sight is half of the winged necklace that Ashlyn has the other half of. Ali had bought them from a small antique jewelry shop while she was in Los Angeles with her brother. She gave Ashlyn her half on her birthday, which was only three days before their three month anniversary. 

It was supposed to symbolize that no matter how far apart they were, they would always be together in heart and spirit, and no matter what, there would always be able to find a way back to each other.

Now the necklace mocks Ali. She puts it back in the box it came with and tucks it as far away as possible in the drawer under her bed. _Out of sight, out of mind_ , she tells herself.

She’s ready now she thinks, to talk to Ashlyn, but not verbally. She contemplates having a drink to calm her nerves first, but decides against it. She wants to be in the right state of mind and not say anything she might regret.

 **Ali [8:08:02pm]  
** hey. busy?

 **Ashlyn [8:10:15pm]  
** no you can call now

 **Ali [8:10:48pm]  
** actually i would rather talk to you here

 **Ashlyn [8:11:20pm]  
** oh…ok…

 **Ali [8:11:49pm]  
** it’s just easier

 **Ashlyn [8:12:24pm]  
** ok. are you ok? how have you been?

 **Ali [8:13:05pm]  
** fine. better. i don’t know. i haven’t felt like myself lately 

 **Ashlyn [8:14:01pm]  
** neither have i, to be honest. i know you probably think i don't care, but i do and it’s still not easy for me

 **Ali [8:14:58pm]  
** i don’t think that. i think that you were careless, but i don’t think you don’t care

 **Ashlyn [8:15:13pm]  
** what does that mean?

 **Ali [8:17:09pm]  
** not careless. reckless, actually. i think that you used me. when we first started talking that’s when things started to fall apart with you and kelley. you were lonely and i was just there.

 **Ashlyn [8:18:51pm]  
** how does that make me reckless?

 **Ali [8:21:11pm]  
** that in itself didn’t make you reckless. but i think maybe you were more infatuated with me than in love with me. your loneliness loved me more than your heart did and maybe that’s why it was so easy for you to give up on us

 **Ashlyn [8:25:37pm]  
** how can you possibly say that i gave up or didn’t love you? i left kelley for you...

\--

Ali stands up from the edge of her bed. She trembles as she stares in disbelief at the words she’s reading. It takes everything in her to not scream and throw her phone across the room. Instead, she takes a breath and proceeds to call Ashlyn.

Before Ashlyn can even get in a word, Ali is on a quiet rampage.

“No, no, no, don’t you dare, Ashlyn,” she says shakily, “don’t you dare throw that in my face. You said you left because you were finally too unhappy. You said the relationship was going nowhere and it was pointless to stay in it. You said there was nothing left in it for the both of you.”

“Why does it matter how I left her?” Ashlyn finally slips in. She’s irritated but holds it at bay. “I ended up with you, didn’t I? You were the one I wanted and it’s not like you didn’t want it to happen either.”

“It does matter how you left her. It matters a lot.” Ali doesn’t bother to hide the fact that she’s crying. “I wanted you to leave her on your terms and not because you were just curious to see how it was with me. That’s the kind of stuff that leads to resentment and I can’t have you ever resenting me or regretting your decision to leave Kelley.”

There’s a long pause, longer than what is comfortable. They both silently will each other to say something until finally Ashlyn speaks.

“I don’t resent you, Ali, and I don’t regret a single thing that happened. If it hadn’t been for you, I’d probably still be stuck in a loveless and empty relationship because I’m a huge chicken shit. But somehow, we both found our way back into each others life after what, two and a half years?”

Ali shakes her head and falls to the floor where she is standing. She hugs her knees tightly to her chest while she has Ashlyn on speakerphone on the floor next to her.

“That’s exactly why you were reckless. You weren’t ready to move on so quickly but you insisted that's what you wanted and that you were ready. I filled an emotional void in you and you loved that so you said a bunch of nice things to make me stay. And I did.”

“Ali, that’s not true…”

“It is, Ashlyn.” She picks the phone back up and puts it to her ear. “You were hurting and broken and I made you feel good. Now you’re better and you don’t need me anymore. I was just a teddy bear you outgrew. And I think a part of you always knew that and that’s why it was so easy for you to make the decision to go to Houston.”

On the other end of the phone, Ashlyn starts to cry. It’s not so much that she’s sad about the breakup, but it’s because Ali is right and she’s overwhelmed by the realization. She never wanted to hurt her, but she did and she doesn’t know how to make it right.

Ali cries too, heavily and loudly. Now that she’s finally put together all the pieces, she’s left feeling disoriented; now she’s the broken one. The irony is that the only person that can fix her, or at least help, is the very one who did the breaking. 

They stay on the line in complete and utter silence for a long time. The gravity of the situation is hitting them both hard and quick.

“How can we stay friends?” Ashlyn whispers, but there’s no hope or fight left in her voice.

“I don’t know that we can.”

“But why?”

“Because I want all of you, and you only want some of me. That’s too painful.”

Ali feels like she’s on a lifeboat clinging to her life and sanity while Ashlyn is hanging off the side with an anchor strapped to her ankle. She’s sinking further and further away and now it feels like she’s lost her completely.

“I opened up to you,” Ali continues, “I told you all my secrets. I let you in when I shouldn’t have. I spent so much time building you this huge house, but you just never came home.”

“Please don’t say it like that, Ali.”

“But it’s true.”

Ali puts her hand over her heart in an attempt to calm down the storm in her chest. The physical pain she feels is not something she was ever prepared for. She has to find a way to demolish the house or at least do some serious renovating because she won’t ever be able to move on as long as it’s haunted with Ashlyn’s ghost.

“So where do we go from here?”

“I’m not sure, Ash. In a perfect world, we could still be friends, but until I can find a way to move on and be okay with this,” Ali has to force her next words out, “I think we need to cut all contact.” 

“Oh.” Ashlyn sounds surprised. She really does care about Ali a lot and wants to keep her around, but she knows that’s selfish of her after all the pain she’s put her through. “If that’s what you really want.”

“It’s not what I _want,_ Ashlyn. I didn’t _want_ any of this to happen, but it did. This is just the next logical step that needs to happen.” The intonation of each word is bruised with all the hope turned bitter that Ali once had. 

“Okay,” Ashlyn sighs with regret, “if you ever feel like you can start to be my friend again, I’ll be here. And if hating me until then makes it easier, that's okay. I deserve it.”

“You already know that I could never hate you.”

There’s one final pause before everything comes to an end. In those seconds, they are both completely defeated. Ali defeated by what could have been, while Ashlyn defeated by guilt.

“Take care, Ali.”

Ali says nothing. She let’s the last of her tears roll down her face and simply taps the end button.

 

**THE END**

 

 

 


End file.
